My most recent “break up” was unusually difficult for me. Looking back, I honestly should have been more aware that it was ending. I was blinded, however, by my hope. We had started as friends and as that friendship developed it slowly became something more. I remember the night it was over. Although nothing was said then, something in my spirit whispered for me to take in each moment because they would be our last. I didn’t want to believe that could be true, but I’m so thankful I heeded that call. I let him hold me tight, and was acutely aware of his breath on my neck, how fast his heart was beating. I reveled in how he reached out to entwine my fingers with his. I nestled into his chest and took in how safe and comfortable I felt with him. Things were going great. This couldn’t be the end. But it was. That was it. Turns out what I thought might just be forever was just a passing ground for him. No explanation. He was in a new relationship within weeks and I was devastated. I kept questioning why, and how, and what is wrong with me. I dug myself into this little pit of self-pity and made myself nice and comfortable there.
One day I was listening to a podcast sermon and the pastor talked about changing your perspective. I realized I was spending my time sulking about a failed relationship. While it’s healthy to mourn a loss, I couldn’t seem to let him go. I was focusing on what I had no control over – the fact that he chose to walk away. I needed to look at myself. Was there something I could have done differently? I took an honest inventory and although I have no misconceptions of being perfect, I also did nothing wrong.
When we were together, I loved him wholly. I was 100% his. I gave my whole heart to him. Sure, I could have made different choices that may have prolonged what I so desperately wanted to cling to. I wholeheartedly believe that if it didn’t work out then – it simply wasn’t meant to long term.
From this change in perspective I’ve been able to let go. I’ve found a way to wish him the best. I no longer yearn for what once was. Letting him go has opened my heart for healing. I am looking forward to my future. And I’m glad to not be holding on to past relationships so that when my knight comes, I’ll have my whole self to give him. He won’t have to repair a shattered heart. I will be happy to be able to give him that gift.